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Living in the age of convenience

taiwanese grass jelly herb (3.1/5) (cooling, bitter mint sensation that feels light but has an intense climate. apparently, when steeped with agar agar or gelatin, it can thicken into a jelly. however, i would prefer to drink the herb as is.) "And surely you have seen, in the darkness of the most innermost rooms of these huge buildings, to which sunlight never penetrates, how the gold lead of a sliding door or screen will pick up a distant glimmer from the garden, then suddenly send forth an ethereal glow, a faint golden light cast into the enveloping darkness. How in such a dark place, gold draws so much light to itself is a mystery to me. Modern man, in his well-lit house, knows nothing of the beauty of gold, but those who lived in the dark houses of the past were not merely captivated by its beauty, they also knew its practical value, for gold in these dim rooms, must have served the function of a reflector. Were it not for shadows, there would be no beauty." Tanizaki'...

참아

[Endure]

My mother was never skilled at comforting, she has a tendency to silence my tears with a sharp, "참아".

Enduring was honorable, to fail to endure brought shame. I was always ashamed to fail and to take, so I gave. I gave thinking it was a virtue, but my giving was backfired with want, it was disguise. Nothing is a gift, it's all on loan and I'm drowning in debt to my ears. 

It's strange to know this world I love so dearly loves to see me so dismembered.

How am I supposed to endure when I'm in debt, October only comes once, and lunch is the saddest meal of the day? I have started eating yams and making my bed because I can't bear remembering that I slept alone. I have started drinking tea with purpose of self-warmth and spaciousness. It still feels purposeless to endure. 

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