참아

[Endure]

My mother was never skilled at comforting, she has a tendency to silence my tears with a sharp, "참아".

Enduring was honorable, to fail to endure brought shame. I was always ashamed to fail and to take, so I gave. I gave thinking it was a virtue, but my giving was backfired with want, it was disguise. Nothing is a gift, it's all on loan and I'm drowning in debt to my ears. 

It's strange to know this world I love so dearly loves to see me so dismembered.

How am I supposed to endure when I'm in debt, October only comes once, and lunch is the saddest meal of the day? I have started eating yams and making my bed because I can't bear remembering that I slept alone. I have started drinking tea with purpose of self-warmth and spaciousness. It still feels purposeless to endure.